


he pretends he's okay (but you should see him in bed late at night he's petrified)

by transblurry



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: FTM Tyler, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Suicide Attempt, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-24
Updated: 2016-03-24
Packaged: 2018-05-28 20:40:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6344377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transblurry/pseuds/transblurry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She thought she was a he. She was wrong. She was disgusting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	he pretends he's okay (but you should see him in bed late at night he's petrified)

Looking into the mirror hurt. Every single time it hurt. 

Because what he saw wasn't what he wanted to see. 

Instead of himself he saw her. 

The person he was. 

No adam's apple. 

No edges. 

Feminine face. 

Hips too wide. 

Lumps on his chest. 

No bulge in his pants. 

Voice too high. 

He wasn't a he. He would never be a he. He'd always be a she. People would always call him Ruby. 

And they were right. That was his (HER) name. 

The day he got her haircut, her mom cried. 

"What did I do wrong, raising you?," she had asked, face red, eyes puffy, cheeks tear stained. 

She didn't answer. Was it his mom, who did something wrong? Or was it his own fault? Deep down she knew it was her fault. 

She was the one who was fucked up in the head. 

She was wrong. And she knew it. 

No one could help her.

Not her boyfriend. 

Not her family. 

Because she was crazy. 

She thought she was a he. She was wrong. She was disgusting. 

And she knew it. 

She knew it when she screamed at the wall and pulled at her hair. It was too long. She needed to cut it. No. She didn't. She was a girl. 

She knew it when she punched the wall crying out when she felt the bones in her hand crack. 

She knew it when she called Josh, sobbing, not able to form a coherent sentence. 

"Baby boy, please. Take a deep breath, Tyler. I love you." 

"How could you love someone as disgusting as me?! I am wrong, Josh!" 

She knew it when she ended the call. 

She knew it when she locked herself in the bathroom. 

She knew it when she dug the blade into her wrist repeatedly, not able to feel it. 

He knew it when the darkness swallowed him leaving behind a future full of acceptance and happiness.

**Author's Note:**

> I hate myself so much today isn't good today is bad bad bad


End file.
